He deceives with honest eyes that dig down to his remorse that mirrors the ninth planet.



I’m just sitting here waiting for my car inspection to get done. I’ll skip the panic and fumbles it took to get me to this small town auto shop, and go straight to the lesson learned. 

Ironically, my lesson has nothing to do with cars. I’m still clueless in that area. It does have to do with this limbo land I’ve found myself in. My classmates have always been a year or two older than me, and my peers have been much older than that. I’ve always done well at saying the right thing and acting the appropriate way to somehow gain the friendship of those wiser. The difference in mental maturity was never noticable, until maybe now. 

One on one conversations with friends have opened my eyes to how differently I see the world. It became apparent when those I related with during their “free spirited lost days” had somehow formed a plan for years down the road. They’re no longer wondering what they want to do with their degree, they’re paving a path to reach whatever they deem as “making it.” 

Lord, I’m still not there. I’m still working toward graduation, let alone plans for after. These 21-24 year olds lead me to question why I’m not where they are, but the fact of the matter is, one year is a world of difference in this limbo land of early 20’s. 

Who knows if I’ll still be lost by the time I reach 20, but seeing as how 20 is right around the corner, I’m just going to say I’m still a lost girl becoming a woman in college. 

“What’s wrong with Nickey?”

For all of you who were gracious enough to give me advice on my housing situation, I think a plan may be falling into place. But first, I need to get you caught up on some of the events that have happened since 2017 began.

The initial “impasse” I mentioned with my landlord turned out to be a foreshadow of what was to come. Things came to a boiling point toward the end of Christmas break. Harsh words were said, tears were fled, and I lost my bed. (No I’m not a poet, but I liked the way it sounded.) Essentially, we came to the agreement that I didn’t want to be there and he didn’t want me there.

To avoid going into detail, I spent the week before last with my belongings in three different locations and slept on a couple couches. I missed two days of work and fell behind in classes. I started questioning what kind of person I was to have become the homeless girl in this college town. You might be thinking, “Girl go ahead with that studio apartment you talked about!” Well, it’s not that easy. I had already gone the day before everything blew up and signed a lease for August because my lease at my old place wasn’t over until the end of July.

Thankfully, I have an amazing support system where I work. “Family atmosphere” is an understatement when it comes to my coworkers and myself. As soon as I told them my situation, one of them opened up her home to me and gave me her spare bedroom. I collected my things from the places they were spread out over and moved in last Monday.

I can’t explain my gratitude to her because there are no words to say to someone who is willing to open their home to me. She thinks I ignore her, but I’m just trying to process everything that’s happened this semester. I’m trying to get caught up at work, in school, and make sure not to neglect the friends who helped me move. I have a hard time opening up and showing these emotions now because I’ve done nothing but show my emotions for the past two months. It’s become hard to express anything but stress. And I hate it.

I’m sure I will open up to her eventually. But, as for now I’m just trying to figure out where to go next because she will be moving in May. At first, I thought about this with the ultimate dread. I’ve been up and down the streets of this town, meeting every landlord possible for the lease I signed in August. I couldn’t fathom trying to run back through that list and ask if they would accept temporary tenants. But, luckily, I don’t think I’m going to have to.

Today, I sat in a study abroad session. They talked about the experiences, the food, and the wonderful people they met. They discussed the financial ease it is to be able to go through the university for exchange student opportunities. They showed me the options I have to fund the trip and the many places I could go. So, what if what I thought was doom and gloom was just God’s way of answering my prayers to travel?

With no rental commitments for the summer, it seems to me the best opportunity to become the gypsy I’ve always wanted to be. Maybe Thailand? Maybe Jamaica? Maybe Czech Republic? Having no obligations other than work, which can be worked around, for the summer might be exactly what I asked for.

So, I promised you a plan. It’s a loose plan. But it’s a plan. First, live with my lovely coworker until May, then be a gypsy, then move into my (beautiful) villa in August.

Honestly, what else do I have to lose while becoming a woman in college?