He deceives with honest eyes that dig down to his remorse that mirrors the ninth planet.



I’m just sitting here waiting for my car inspection to get done. I’ll skip the panic and fumbles it took to get me to this small town auto shop, and go straight to the lesson learned. 

Ironically, my lesson has nothing to do with cars. I’m still clueless in that area. It does have to do with this limbo land I’ve found myself in. My classmates have always been a year or two older than me, and my peers have been much older than that. I’ve always done well at saying the right thing and acting the appropriate way to somehow gain the friendship of those wiser. The difference in mental maturity was never noticable, until maybe now. 

One on one conversations with friends have opened my eyes to how differently I see the world. It became apparent when those I related with during their “free spirited lost days” had somehow formed a plan for years down the road. They’re no longer wondering what they want to do with their degree, they’re paving a path to reach whatever they deem as “making it.” 

Lord, I’m still not there. I’m still working toward graduation, let alone plans for after. These 21-24 year olds lead me to question why I’m not where they are, but the fact of the matter is, one year is a world of difference in this limbo land of early 20’s. 

Who knows if I’ll still be lost by the time I reach 20, but seeing as how 20 is right around the corner, I’m just going to say I’m still a lost girl becoming a woman in college. 



I just got out of bible study about 10 minutes ago. While there, someone said something to me (who does not usually attend our specific bible study) that really got to me. I join a certain group of people every Thursday to talk about how to include God in the midst of being a college student. The reason I continue to go back to this group is because of the transparency of our relationship with one another. In the time we spend together, we discuss the details of life that “regular” churches don’t like to touch on. We discuss alcohol, sex, different religions, drugs and anything else that is often hushed.

I can honestly say, because of the opportunity this group gives me to be open and honest about what I am going through, my relationship with God has been strengthened, for lack of a better term. To be more clear, our relationship has grown in ways that I didn’t think possible. I think I connect this clarity of relationship with the transparency of my bible study. To give an example, I once heard someone say, “I struggle with physical attraction to women. When it comes to pornography, I can’t stop myself. What can I do about this?” And for a man to come out in the midst of women, our youth group leader, even God Himself and be that honest showed me that that was what God meant by brothers and sisters in Christ. We should be able to come to one another with anything, just like we should be able to go to God with anything. We are supposed to listen to one another and help one another, each of these being aspects of relationships, worldly and Godly.

Tonight, our topic was relationships, worldly and Godly. While discussing with my group, I was told I was “getting too personal.” That is something I most definitely have a problem with. How in the world could I be too personal with a being who physically created me? We, as Christians, go out and tell the world that “God already knows everything. We can’t tell Him anything that He hasn’t heard before. Go to one another, in Christ, and lean on one another.” Then we tell each other that something being said is “too personal.” Listen here, buddy. God knows when I pick my nose, when I fart in public and when I get my period. There is NOTHING that I can say that would be “too personal” for Him to hear. As far as who I worship with, they’re going to have to deal with the flowery parts as well as the raunchy!

I think this is part of the problem with Christianity in the churches today. We try to act as if we’re not humans who struggle. We sit around, quoting the bible, acting high and mighty when everyone knows so-and-so went out Friday night, and brother so-and-so has a drinking problem, etc. Have we ever stopped to think that if we addressed what we were struggling with – our PERSONAL problems – that we wouldn’t have such a hard time overcoming them? Have we ever stopped to think that our attitude towards hiding the bad parts of life is why people shy away from church?

Here’s a little challenge for my Christ followers out there: this week, talk to someone about the gross parts of your life that you’re struggling with. Talk to someone about why your heart is broken, or why you’re mad at God or the addictions you face daily. From personal experience, that is what helps grow a relationship with God. As far as those that shy away from church because of that judgmental atmosphere, call me up. You have a place with us college kids that like to take things personal.

Who knew I would get so heated while becoming a woman in college?